The Anti-slip Mat

I fell in the bathroom someday.

Everyone will tell you how this is the most horrifying fall in the world. Okay maybe falling off an airplane or a cliff comes first but you get what I mean. No one tells you how embarrassing it is either.

Naked, flying through the air and trying to hold on to nothing, waiting to hit the cold, hard floor and see if you wake up at the pearly gates or still in your now cursed bathroom.

It felt like I was suspended in the air for hours. If I wasn’t so scared, I would have joked that I was auditioning for The Matrix. It must have been less than 30 seconds my 100kgs were in the air, clawing desperately trying to find something to save my precious life.  Do you know what the crazy thing about those 30 seconds was, a million thoughts flashed through my mind.

When they say your life flashes before your eyes, it literally means it does.

I thought about my children. Who would take care of them if this fucking fall killed me? I thought of my parents. I needed them so much and they need me too, I can’t leave them. I thought of my three beautiful sisters and how much I loved them.

I flashed back to the story on Biko Zulu’s page about the lady who fell in the bathroom while in India and had her arm fractured so badly. Would my arm be badly broken too? Would my spine or skull crack when I hit the floor? Why did I not sign up for Biko’s Masterclass that I had been dreaming of for so long?

Inti flashed before my eyes. I love and hate Inti so much at the same time. They are racist, and colorists. Their food is amazing though. I have been hoping to go back and get some of that delicious food. Why hadn’t I? Why was I thinking of food NOW??

I thought about my job. How will I explain that I can’t work because I am broken or because I am dead? I love my job and I need to work. Maybe I can work if I am dead or if I am on life support. Just Kidding.

Anyway, I live in a really small house in Kinoo. The small house has an even smaller bathroom which is the thing that may have saved my life. My fat ass hit the floor first. The wooden door broke my fall backward so my head did not hit the floor. Skull saved.

If someone somewhere in this universe is in charge of overseeing falls, he must have said,

‘She is getting off too easy, try and break her money-making arm.’

So my hand hit the tiles to the side of the bathroom. So hard on the elbow. The pain was excruciating and when I got up, I could not move it at first. The falls guy must have snapped when I moved it and said,

‘Fuck, I can’t do anything right, can I?’.  

Because it wasn’t broken but it hurt like a mother–.

I was alright, except for the pain in my arm. Now came the embarrassing part.

My mum heard the commotion as I kicked the bucket. Not in that way. The bucket that stayed in the bathroom announced to the whole house that there was a code red situation before the loud thud of my 100kgs hitting the floor.

‘Shiko!’ I heard her hysterical voice outside the door ‘Have you fallen???’

‘Yes’ I responded meekly ‘I am okay’ I replied trying to sound nonchalant and trying to figure out if to keep showering or leave the bathroom and never get into one ever again. I just wanted to curl up and sleep, forget I almost died.

‘Come out and let me see if you are,’ my precious mother said to me.

So I wrapped a towel around my battered body and walked out for inspection. I walked out to three pairs of wide eyes, my mums (the widest), the cleaning lady, and my cousin. The embarrassment burnt deeper than when I fell off a tree and a branch snatched my skirt and panty in full view of my dad and his friends as they were having a chilled boys’ afternoon. I was 7 but that still tops my list.

As I sat down on my bed, I got out my phone and went straight into my Instagram, into the luxury homes page, and straight for the bathroom anti-slip mats.

Does your bathroom have an anti-slip mat? No? Kitakuramba!